What a Buncha Characters
by trek-grrrl
Summary: Q, Jack O'Neill, Bill Maxwell, Roger Healey, Jonas Quinn, Miles O'Brien, Scotty, Johnny Fever, Charles Winchester, Roy Hinkley and a guest meet me. Pure silliness. Please R&R.


(This is pure silliness and fantasy, but it's also serving a purpose...for me. Enjoy. If you leave a review, please remember, I'm simply having fun. Not going in for pure grammatical accuracy, and this is me, I think I know my character pretty well. Maybe.)

"You're probably all wondering why I gathered you here today."

"I'm not," Q said, raising his hand.

"Shush, you," I told him with a smirk.

He shrugged his shoulders and looked down the line of guys.

"Let's see, he is, he is, he's just wondering where the hell he is, oh, and HE isnt." Q said.

One of them gave Q the finger.

"Fine, be that way," Q retorted. "I was only making it easier on our lady friend here."

I looked at the one who was NOT wondering (besides Q) and asked, "Why aren't you wondering, Johnny?"

Johnny Fever looked at the other guys, some in semi-recognizable military uniforms, some attired in ways he didn't even begin to fathom.

"Do you wonder about stuff in acid flashbacks, or just go with 'em?" Johnny Fever asked back.

"Good point, Dr. Fever, although I don't personally get flashbacks. Unless you can get them from smoking too much weed?" I said.

Bill Maxwell scowled at that little revelation about me, but didn't comment.

Dr. Charles Winchester leaned forward and addressed Johnny.

"You're a doctor, too?"

"Yeah, the doctor of funk, baby," Johnny said, saluting Charles with the scotch glass he was holding.

"Where's mine, Fever?" Scotty asked when he saw the drink.

Johnny pulled out the bottle and handed it to the military stiff near him. "Here, pass this down, to that dude in the funky red jogging suit."

Jack O'Neill took it, examined the label, pulled the stopper and guzzled a gulp before passing it down.

By the time it arrived at Scotty, it was nearly empty.

"Thanks a lot, men," he scowled at them before taking a long draught from it. "Hmmm, you've got good taste, Fever!"

"Booze, yeah, women, well..." was his reply.

They quieted down and looked at me expectantly. Well, except Q of course. He was just bored.

"Q, you can always leave if you want to," I told him quietly.

"No, no, this should prove entertaining. Besides, I'm always intrigued on how you'll write me. Please, continue."

"Don't you KNOW how she'll write you?" Bill asked.

Q glared at Bill, who glared back. I wasn't sure why. Maybe the story with them both didn't end well, and I hadn't learned that fact yet?

I waited for Bill to be turned into a newt or a gaseous cloud or something, but Q was being remarkably restrained.

Most of them had been sitting silently waiting. I looked around at them all and smiled, to reassure them.

"As you've probably all surmised, some of you know one another."

They murmured amongst themselves, trying to discern who knew whom.

I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. "Hey, what can I say? I like crossovers just a little too much."

I pointed to two of them for starters.

"Okay, Bill Maxwell, you know Charles, he operated on you in Korea."

Bill snapped his fingers and pointed. "YEAH, I knew I recognized that guy! Hey, Dr. Winchester!"

"I operated on you, Mr. Maxwell, at the 4077th?"

"You sure did, but I was Sergeant Maxwell back then. Caught a bullet in the lung. That old guy, the CO, he'd given me a shot of morphine and you soon patched me up. Thanks again, doc!"

"That's quite all right, my good man," Charles said with a haughty air, as if he and he alone could have saved Maxwell.

"Charles, you operated on Roger Healey here too. He was a Lieutenant back then, with a Corps of Engineers squad."

"Nice to see you again, Major," Roger piped up, waving to the tall doctor.

Charles simply nodded his head in acknowledgement.

I pointed to Miles O'Brien and Q.

"And of course, these two REALLY know one another, before I even had my hand in it, right, guys?"

O'Brien sneered at Q, who sneered back.

"Yes, I know 'im, unfortunately."

"Why, Mr. O'Brien, if I had any feelings, they'd be hurt! I'm wounded!" Q said, clutching his hands where his heart would be, if he had one.

O'Brien pointed to Scotty. "I know him too, you know, remember the Dyson Sphere?"

I'd forgotten that little incident. "You're right, Miles, so Scotty does know someone else here! Far out!"

"I do?"

"Shit, Miles, that hasn't HAPPENED yet, in his timeline!"

"Damn. Temporal paradoxes always throw me off."

"Dyson Sphere?" both Scotty and Professor Roy Hinkley wondered aloud, their eyes growing wide at the possibility.

"Q, can you do me a favor?" I asked Q, turning my charming smile and blue eyes on him.

"Of course, my dear. Nobody'll remember a thing once we're done here. We wouldn't want to give it all away, now would we?"

"I hope I'll remember!" I told him.

"Of course!"

"All right, we've got that squared away." I pointed to two of them in military uniform. "Jack and Roger know one another, of course."

The two men smiled at one another, but didn't say anything.

I turned back to Bill Maxwell. "And you know Q, whether that's good or bad, I dunno. You two don't seem to be getting along, Bill!"

"Well, LOOK at HIM! Q was a GIRL, and look how she changed HERself!"

"Billy, Billy, Billy, we've gone around about that, haven't we?" Q said with exasperation.

All Bill would do is glare at Q. He shrugged again and ignored him... for now. I wasn't entirely sure what they were talking about, not having written that bit. Yet. I'm not entirely sure how Bill would know, unless Q was allowing him to do so. I guess I'll see, when my Muse tells me.

I indicated the Professor, and Bill Maxwell. "And of course, Roy Hinkley and Bill know one another. They had quite an adventure together, huh, guys?"

The two smiled at one another in acknowledgement.

Two men had remained quiet. One looked at Jack O'Neill and smiled nervously, wondering what to say.

I smiled at him when I caught his attention. "And of course, Jonas and Jack know one another. Jonas, I'm sorry you weren't included in the series that had Roger Healey and Jack meeting, but I DID focus most of my SG-1 standalone stories around YOU, if that's any consolation."

"Really? Wow, thanks," Jonas said, rewarding me with that beautiful smile and dimple. The sparkle in his amber eyes was a nice touch.

As I turned to the final character, who'd been sitting unobtrusively at the end of the row, Dr. Fever spoke up.

"So why no chicks? You don't like chicks?"

I laughed, knowing that was going to come up. "Well, if I had to pick favorite characters, I guess I don't have any particularly favorite characters who're female. 'Cept maybe Samantha Carter. Now, as many of you know, I absolutely LOVE certain romantic pairings."

I looked down the line of them, with the exception of the tall older gentleman at the end.

"In fact, I've got you ALL paired up with some LOVELY women!"

That caused a stir and they all started whispering, as if gossiping and bragging on who got whom.

Johnny turned back to me, and I knew what he was going to ask.

"'cept YOU, Johnny."

"WHAT? Hey, that ain't fair, these guys got to score, and I don't?"

"Ha, ha, hippie," Bill Maxwell mocked. He was rewarded by Jack O'Neill's ringing laugh.

"Shut up, Mr. Establishment," Johnny said, giving him the finger. He looked at O'Neill. "You too. Coupla gubmint stiffs."

"Johnny, Johnny, Johnny," I began, shaking my head and chuckling.

"What?" he demanded.

"I haven't GOTTEN to you yet, that's all! You're gonna score, trust me."

"Far out, man! Who with?"

"'With whom,'" Charles corrected.

"Shut up."

I told Johnny, "Who else? With Bailey, of course!"

"Oh wow, Bailey!" He looked down the line of guys. "You guys should see Bailey, she's...she's... well, she's something else!"

It was obvious to everyone that he didn't only mean physically, that he had real feelings for her.

"Aw, the hippie's in love!" Maxwell said.

"Man, what's with you? I'm just groovin' here and you keep harshin' my buzz."

Bill looked at me with a scowl. "What's HE doing here, any way?" He indicated Johnny Fever with his thumb, and continued. "I mean, with the exception of the old guy down there, and who is HE any way? the Professor and Q, there're only military and government types here. At least, I think those guys in the colorful jogging suits down there are military."

"Good point, Bill, and that brings us to who this gentleman is and why we're all here today."

The distinguished older man with the silvering hair looked up at me, his bright brown eyes sparkling with perpetual amusement, then looked down the line of characters.

"I know who he is, of course," Q quipped.

"Shut up!" everyone but the man yelled in a chorus.

The man spoke up in a baritone voice, "It's a secret. I'm not here. Pretend you didn't see me."

I blushed and addressed the other men. "Yes, um, you see, he's not supposed to BE here. We fanfic writers aren't supposed to write about him, so let's just think of him as He That Shall Remain Nameless."

"So why's he here?" Scotty asked.

"He's here as arbiter and archivist; he's the one jotting this little meeting down, you see. Plus he's my very favorite character of all time."

The man held up his pen and paper pad to indicate that he'd been writing everything down.

"Why do we need an arbiter?" Jonas asked.

I pointedly looked at Q, then turned back to Jonas. "Because I have a tendency to like characters with passionate and volatile personalities, that's why. Granted, all of you are inherently sweet, intelligent men..." and that caused a minor uproar of laughter, finger pointing and scoffing at one another.

"HOWever, you also all tend to get pretty fired up. So he's here to keep things on an even keel."

The gentleman taking notes cleared his throat loudly, as if cueing me to get on with it.

"All right, it's all been too sporadic here tonight. Allow me to make formal introductions, then I'll tell you all why we're here, we'll get down to bidness."

I started at the end opposite my archivist.

"This is Q, for those of you who hadn't realized that. He's, um... well he... if you can CALL him a 'he,' knows everything. He's essentially a god."

That caused the next uproar as everyone began chattering. The ones who knew Q already had an earful for everyone, so I let them go on for a few minutes.

"Gentlemen, PLEASE" Q said. "You're making me blush!"

Which he wasn't, of course, but I could tell he was getting bored and wanted to continue.

"C'mon, guys, we can all gossip later," I pointed out. Everyone settled back and waited.

"This is Chief Engineer and Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott, of the USS Enterprise." I smiled at Scotty. "The REAL Enterprise, NCC-1701."

His confused response made me realize that's the only Enterprise he knew.

"Oops, yeah, timelines... I have to keep remembering you in THAT era, Scotty, pretend I didn't say that."

"No worries," Scotty said, looking at his neighbor, Q. "He'll make us all forget, he said."

"Another engineer, Chief of Operations Miles O'Brien, of Deep Space 9, formerly of the Enterprise D."

He waved to everyone, and turned to smile at Scotty, to reassure his fellow engineer.

I indicated Major Roger Healey. "And yet ANOTHER engineer, Roger Healey. I must have something about engineers. Roger's also a test pilot and astronaut, two things I dreamed of being in my younger days."

I smiled softly at him, and he blushed.

"Roger's one of my first favorite characters, being an engineer like my daddy, an astronaut and a pilot."

I pointed to the next character. "Professor Roy Hinkley is also a first favorite. In fact, I think you two were my very first character crushes, when I was a little bitty girl. Something about intelligent men."

Roger blushed even more, not being used to being thought of as intelligent, but a goof.

I saw the look, and laughed. "Roger, you wouldn't BELIEVE how many reviews I've received, that tell me THANK YOU for depicting you as intelligent, and not a screw up! I always point out that you wouldn't be an engineer, astronaut and test pilot if you were a bumbling idiot, now would you?"

The men looked amongst themselves, nodding their heads and smiling, as if saying, Cool, this chick actually THINKS about her characters!

"Now, where were we? Oh yes, on to Bill Maxwell. He's an FBI agent with a partner who's got a special red suit, given to him by aliens, so they can fight evil and badness in the world."

"And hippies," Bill interjected.

"Shush on the hippies, Bill, it's getting old!" I told him.

"Okay."

"Now on to our resident doctor. I mean, our resident MEDICAL doctor, Charles Winchester. He's a Major at a MASH unit in wartime Korea."

"Gentlemen," he said quietly, nodding at the others.

"Next to him, we've got our Stargate contingent. Colonel-turned-General Jack O'Neill, and Jonas Quinn, someone who was on Jack's team for a single season, as mission specialist."

I got to the end of the line, before the Man Who Is To Remain Nameless, and smiled.

"And we end it with Dr. Johnny Fever, the morning DJ at WKRP, in Cincinnati."

Johnny waved down the line of mostly-government-types and smiled. "Hey, guys!"

Some waved back, having decided Johnny wasn't such a bad egg. Hey, he'd shared his booze with everyone, hadn't he?

Charles spoke up. "Now you're going to tell us WHY we're here?"

"Yes. I got thinking, and even though I LOVE to write you guys, some in my family have been encouraging me to write my own ORIGINAL stories, to actually get published and sold. Hopefullly. And my oldest sister said, Think of all your favorite characters to write, and put together a character that reflects the good qualities."

They murmured amongst themselves at that idea, wondering what I'd decided about each of them.

"So I'm wondering: What IS it about all of you that I LOVE so much?"

"Good looks?" "Brains?" "Humor?" "Sexy as hell?"

They all shouted out what they thought were their best qualities, what may have attracted me to them in the first place.

I sat down in my chair (finally, having been standing during all this) and simply listened to their banter.

All right, when I say "all" I mean, except for the older gentleman at the end of the row. He's remaining in cognito. He's really just here at all because after all's said and done, of all the fandoms I love, HE is my single favorite character. So how could I have a story like this, without HIM?

Any way, about ten minutes went by as everyone chattered and laughed over their traits and characteristics.

I looked at Q expectantly, and he popped in a table of drinks and munchies.

"Thanks, Q!" everyone shouted as they glommed onto the goodies.

"Oh, I get it, when I want to say something it's SHUT UP Q, but when I pop in goodies for you Human cretins, I'm suddenly the belle of the Ball!"

I apologized for the group. "Sorry, Q, we do get carried away, huh?"

Q looked at the men feeding and drinking. "Hey, why is that? With the exception of moi, all your favorites are Human."

"Shit, I forgot SPOCK!" I exclaimed. "I hate to admit it, but Roy here was a last minute addition too."

"Hey!" Roy Hinkley said around the little dinner sausage he was cramming into his mouth.

"Well, you're here now, aren't you? I guess Spock and I'll have to have our talk later."

Scotty looked up from the double Scotch he'd poured himself. "You thought of me before Mr. Spock?"

I smiled warmly at him. "Yes, Scotty, of all my favorite Enterprise characters, you top them all."

He gave me a polite bow. "I'm honored, miss!"

I whispered to him, "Something about engineers...and Scotsmen... especially in kilts!"

He winked at me wickedly and sipped his drink.

I raised my voice over the clamor. "Any way, we'll get on to what it is I like about each and every one of you. Hope you're not the easily embarrassed types! But of course, I know among you who is and is not, so that's irrelevant. None of you will remember this any way, 'cept Q and my good man over here taking notes, and me."

Roger looked up from his canape. "Maybe that's a good thing, 'cause I get kinda shy sometimes."

"I know, and you're right. Knowing you WON'T know when this is all overwith, we can all be more candid."

Johnny came to stand by me, guzzling a beer on the way over. "So, Bailey, huh? Cool."

He indicated the other characters. "And all these guys, they've already...well, scored? With their ladies?"

I blushed, looking at Miles (who thankfully didn't notice my glance) and turned back to Johnny. "Lemme think..." I looked at them all again, and nodded my head. "Yep, every one. Oh, wait, 'cept Q too."

"Ha!" Johnny barked in Q's direction.

Q just rolled his eyes upward, saying nothing for a change.

"I haven't gotten to that point yet."

"Who's he... well, who?"

I laughed, looking between Q and Bill Maxwell.

"It's, um... it's hard to explain, Johnny."

"Give it a try."

"I can't, I really can't. Let's change the subject."

"Okay."

I winked at Q, and he flicked his finger, and some other goodies appeared.

Johnny and I sneaked a peek at one another, grabbed it and ran.

We went into a nearby closet and he whipped out his lighter, and he sparked up the green.

"Don't tell that Fed in there," he laughed before he hit the pipe.

I took it from him while he held his toke, and smiled back at him, watching his expression. "Naw, I ain't that dumb. Bill's da Man, after all."

"So why AM I here, any way? I'm not like any of those guys in there, 'cept maybe Healey."

"Yeah, he's way cool, he's into jazz.'

"Right on, I could tell he was a laid back kinda dude. Doesn't come off as a stiff military dude, like you'd expect. Too bad he can't join us."

I handed the pipe back to him and he hit it again while I talked. "Yeah, he can't, being a pilot and astronaut and all. But you? I dunno, I loved you since the very first time I saw you, Johnny!"

He blushed, his face reddening from that and holding his breath so desperately.''

"When you scratched that record, what was it? The Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing 'You're Having My Baby'?"

He spurted out his breath explosively, and doubled over with laughter. "You SAW that?"

"Of course, I saw EVERYTHING you did on that show! It's my second favorite show of all time! Then you went into your spiel as Dr. Johnny Fever, and ended it with, 'Now sit right back and open your ears up REAL WIDE and say, Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!'"

He bent over again, laughing as he remembered that moment. "And then I said..." and I joined in, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot one more thing, fellow babies! BOOGER!"

The weed was hitting us both now, and we were roaring with laughter, holding each other and gasping for breath.

We suddenly found ourselves in the big room with the others.

"Q! Dammit, we were having fun!" Johnny yelled.

"We know, we heard you! Care to share with us?"

"No," I said. "Y'all don't partake like Johnny and I do."

Some knew what I was talking about and smirked, or frowned, some were totally clueless.

"AHEM" my man at the end of the row said.

"Okay, okay, we've had our fun and food." I eyeballed the table of munchies, wondering when I could tackle it. Eh, later.

They all settled back onto their chairs and waited.

"There're some characteristics about you all that I love, let's start with those. You're all very handsome men, in your own unique ways."

That made the blushes go around.

"And I've had fun writing certain, um... intimate scenes featuring you all."

More blushing.

"You're all intelligent guys with fairly twisted senses of humor."

Dr. Fever cleared his throat at that.

"Johnny?"

"Hey, I know I'm a funny guy, we just proved that with the laughing fit, but smart? Me? Naw."

"All right, I've got a question for you, Johnny."

"Shoot."

"Would Bailey Quarters like a DUMB guy?"

A look of revelation crossed his face. "You know, you're right!"

"See? I'm a lot like Bailey, actually, one reason I love to see you two together. And trust me, she wouldn't go for a dumb guy."

I continued.

"All right, to cap it: handsome, and in my opinion sexy, intelligent and funny men. That sums it well for all of you. Now there's one glaring similarity amongst most of you."

"The military connection," Jack O'Neill said.

"Yep. I've wondered about that. I don't know why, to tell you the truth, 'cept maybe a lot of the men in my extended family are Veterans, and one sister, and now my son's in the Navy."

Many of them nodded their heads approvingly.

"I grew up next to a SAC airbase, and I love airplanes, like I said," and I pointed to Roger. "Well, Roger's not Air Force, he's Army, but Jack over here is Air Force. Charles was Army, as was Bill. Scotty and Miles are Starfleet, which is basically the same as saying Navy."

"I was in the Air Force," Roy said.

"Excellent," O'Neill replied, glad to see a fellow AF vet.

"And I'm simply everywhere," Q had to say, not to be left out.

Nobody said "shut up," after Q had supplied such good food and drink. He smiled back and remained quiet.

"I pointed all these things out to my sister, and she pointed out something as well: I'd have to know a LOT about the military, especially the protocol, to be able to write it. I know you military types get rather fussy about that!"

Some of them laughed, nodding their heads in agreement.

"And all of you are passionate men."

That caused a round of laughter, and I held my hand up to clarify my point. "I don't mean THAT way, sillies! Okay, in that way too, at least as I've written you!"

And I laughed along with them; the majority of them knew, after all. Q and Johnny didn't (well, Q did...would... you know).

"Damn, how long am I going to have to wait for Bailey?"

I asked him, "Well, didn't you and she...? Once?"

"Us? Heck no, where'd that come from?"

"Well, there was one time, when it was IMPLIED that Bailey had stayed at your place one night! So I assumed..."

"Oh, THAT! Naw, we didn't get down, if that's what you're wondering."

"You didn't?" I was amazed.

"No, we sat up and talked all night, listening to Venus and sipping wine. Hey, Bailey's a real LADY, I wouldn't do that!"

"I'm impressed, Johnny! I didn't know you had it in you."

"I'm a complicated kinda guy, you know," he said, grinning at Maxwell.

Bill didn't deign to reply.

"I've got my answer, then. Handsome, sexy, intelligent, funny, passionate, some type of military or government type..." Johnny, Q and my favorite man had to clear their throats at that one.

"All right, there're always exceptions to the rule. It's not like you're all the exact same guys, thank goodness! I'm looking at trends."

Q indicated my archivist. "And you said HE is your favorite character, of ALL? Even over MOI?"

"Even over vous, Q. I dunno, there's just something about him that I love so much. It took reading him for a while, but as I progressed through the stories, he more and more became my favorite. I guess he turned out to be a LOT of people's favorite in those books!"

He and I smiled at one another.

"What's funny, is that he's the only one here that was not portrayed on TV or in movies, but via books. My own vivid imagination and visualization skills built him in my mind from the author's books. I can PICTURE him in my mind, and I can think of who would be a great actor to portray him."

I looked back at them all. "But that's neither here nor there, and neither is he. I'm not supposed to be writing him, don't forget!"

I continued to gaze at them, going down the row of them as they watched me expectantly. I didn't miss Q's little smirk, knowing he was reading me.

"Stop it, Q," I said, not bothering to look at him. Then I had to laugh.

"Hey, I forgot a couple of other things."

"What?" some asked.

"You're all tall white guys!" I said, chuckling.

Some laughed in agreement, realizing as well that they all were, indeed, above-average in height and of Caucasian heritage.

Charles said, "Some taller than others, I'd say."

"Shush, Charles. Braggart," I said. "Okay, you're the tallest here. At least of those of us who can be named. But you're the same height as my ex-hubby, so it ain't no big thang, you know!"

"Indeed? He was six feet and four inches?"

"Sure was. Blond and blue-eyed, too." I pointed to Scotty and O'Brien. "Then there's the Celtic and Gaelic connection."

The two nodded, smiling.

"Something about a man with a brogue... Irish or Scots, it's all good. Lemme sum it all up yet again. Intelligent, handsome, sexy, funny, passionate, white, tall, male, maybe an engineer, maybe a pilot, probably military, maybe of Scots or Irish heritage."

"Scots," Scotty said.

"Eirinn ga bragh," Miles said.

I waved them both off dismissively and laughed. "You'd want a sasunnach like me writing you?"

Scotty feigned shock. "What? Do you know what you just called yourself?"

"Yeah, a Saxon, a lowland SCOT, Scotty! Get over it!" I laughed, and O'Brien joined in. "That's what I am, after all's said and done. Doesn't mean I don't love the Highlands and you men from Aberdeen!"

"'sall right, then, you're forgi'en."

"Thank you kindly, Mr. Scott."

I scanned the row of my favorite characters for a final analysis. I was closer to my answer than when we began our little gathering, and was close to feeling ready to begin creating my very own major fictional character in my mind.

I paused at Bill Maxwell, who was talking to O'Neill and Quinn. He didn't notice my gaze, so I simply enjoyed the sight of him. I was interrupted by Q, making a dramatic show of clearing his throat to get my attention.

I glanced at him, and he winked, motioning his head toward Maxwell. He knew what was on my mind. I mean, this is Q after all!

I gave him an ever-so-subtle nod, and he flicked his fingers. Everyone was gone in one instant, and in the next, Q had sent Bill and me to another place, another time, for us to continue our little, um... "discussion"... in private.

But THAT is another story. 


End file.
